Sticks and Stones...
tell the perpetrator to stop using such words. For example, the girlfriend might respond to “Are you stupid or what? Even a monkey could program the VCR.” with something like “You’re trying to make me feel inept. That’s really inappropriate. Don’t say things like that to me.” Moreover, we need to stop tolerating putdowns. If the perpetrator is unwilling to stop using putdowns, they obviously don’t care enough about us to treat us with respect. We don’t need those kinds of people in our lives. It’s time to distance ourselves from that person or cut them out of our lives entirely.
At another level, we need to watch our own words and stop using putdowns. If we are angry with someone else, we need to be upfront and tell that person that we are angry and why. If we have issues with their behavior and it affects us, we need to talk to them about that. If, on the other hand, we have issues with what someone else eats, wears or looks like, we need to look at our own issues and let go of them. If our partner or spouse is obese and we are afraid that they are killing themselves with their diet, we need to share our fear with them and support them in their efforts to become healthier. In contrast, if we simply don’t like the fact that our spouse or partner weighs a few pounds more than we think they should, we need to explore our own issues about that.
Finally, words do hurt and we need to quit lying to our children by telling them that they don’t. Instead of invalidating a child’s feelings when they come crying to us, telling us that someone said something hurtful, we need to empathize with them that it does hurt to be called names, comfort them, and reassure them that those hurtful words or names are not true.
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