At one time or another, all of us have either been the target or the perpetrator of a putdown. We tend not to think anything about putdowns because we all know that, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Most of us had this belief drilled into our heads by parents and teachers by the time we were seven years old and haven’t really taken time to see if it is true or not. Further, many people disguise their putdowns as jokes. A man might say to his friends while his wife is sitting next to him, “After a few beers, even Sue [my wife] starts looking good.” Or a brother might say to his sister, “Hey Porkie, you don’t need any more of those chips…” These sorts of statements usually elicit laughter from those near by. However, the criticism behind the veil of a joke is often clear to the recipient, even if they don’t acknowledge it. On those rare occasions when a perpetrator does get challenged for issuing a putdown, they often respond with another putdown, perhaps by saying something like, “Don’t get your panties in a wad, Susan. It was just a joke.” The message is, “Don’t be so sensitive. I’m not doing anything wrong. You’re supposed to just take whatever I dish out.” Other times, the perpetrator may completely ignore the challenge, perhaps by rolling his or her eyes and/or saying, “Whatever,” making it clear that the issue is not important.
Other times, people put others down more blatantly. For example, a woman may tell her girlfriend, “Are you stupid or what? Even a monkey could program the VCR.” A man may tell his fiancée, “Geez, you look like a whale. I’m not going to marry you until you lose at least 30 lbs.” Or a woman may tell her husband, “You don’t you do anything right. I can’t believe I married such a failure.” Naked, these putdowns pack a powerful sting, especially when they target the recipient’s deep-seated insecurities. Challenges to these overt putdowns often receive a hostile response. Perpetrators often justify their hurtful comments on factual grounds and dismiss the harmful impact as meaningless and insignificant. For example, if challenged on his weight loss ultimatum, the man might retort, “Well, you’re too fat, honey. No one wants to marry a fat woman.” Again, the notion that hurtful words are not harmful comes in to play, and injured parties are simply supposed to suck it up.
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