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Struck by Lightning

© Regina Sewell

A few weeks ago, my partner and I went to see Monsoon Wedding, a beautiful movie about family connections. We were enchanted by the music and envious of the sensuality, joy and bonds between the people on screen. The movie ended with people laughing and dancing under a colorful tent as rain poured from the sky. We laughed as we walked out of the theatre into a downpour and felt even more connected to what we had experienced in the movie. The rain continued and about 10 minutes later, as we were driving home, a huge bolt of lightening struck somewhere ahead of us. The lightening was the kind you see in photos at art galleries and in weather calendars. It had a number of bolts going out and down, sort of like tree roots. I noticed that the lightening was technically impressive, but was so focused on getting home that I didn’t experience the wonder and awe of what I had seen. A few seconds later, the irony that I was so busy trying to get home that I missed the journey hit me like a bolt of lightning. And I realized that this was just a tiny example of how I had been putting so much energy into preparing for the future (going back to school to get a counseling license, working on query letters and manuscript proposals so that I can publish my book, etc) that I wasn’t living my life now.

The irony that I was cutting myself off from the very aspects of the movie that I was most envious of: joy, sensuality and connecting with others, didn’t occur to me until later.

I am frustrated because I feel like I am just a puppet responding to the tugs and dips of some evil puppeteer who has chosen my destiny for me. Both of my parents were workaholics. My mother was a teacher and worked until 4:30 or 5:00 at school and always had a stack of papers to grade and/or art projects to prepare at night. When she wasn’t doing school-work, she was making clothes for my brother and I, ironing, doing the laundry or something. My father basically lived at work and only came home to eat, sleep, shower and change. It seemed to me that they were so busy taking care of me that they didn’t even notice that what I needed more than anything was their time. I hated my parents for that and promised that I would never fall into this trap.

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