Why Inflatable Men Are Better Than Real Ones

Mauricio was short with short black hair and big brown eyes. I found him “lounging” on my bed in a pair of men’s red bikini underwear. Because he could be inflated or deflated based on my mood, my roommates decided that he was the perfect man for me and gave him to me for my birthday. Mauricio may not have been the most affectionate man I ever dated, but he may have been the most fun. Friends and I took Mauricio almost everywhere. We took him to the local Sonic drive-in. We took him to bars. We took him to the video store to help us rent movies. Once I even took him to my graduate department office where I introduced him as my boyfriend to my fellow graduate students and professors. People’s reactions were priceless. People often stared at us in open-mouthed surprise, gave us dirty looks, or broke into laughter. In addition, Mauricio completely lacked all those traits that drive women crazy. He didn’t insist on leading when we danced. He didn’t bore me to tears by talking about football or cars. And he never interrupted me or commented on my weight.

My roommates were trying to make a point with Mauricio. They thought that I treated men like they were disposable. Truth be told, I did tend to think of boyfriends as nuisances. I was obsessed with getting through graduate school and I didn’t make time for relationships. Dating was fine as long as there was little or no emotional involvement, but once someone got too close, I went into hiding. I just didn’t do relationships well, and the men I dated paid the price. I didn’t want to hide, but I didn’t know what else to do.

The best example of my boyfriend avoidance dance happened with Steve. I really loved him. I actually thought we might get married. He was attractive, smart, and kind. He was very active in the church and at the time I felt a bit lost and thought maybe he could help me find my path. Steve was very passionate about philosophy and we talked for hours about deep philosophical questions and contemplated how best to save the world. We shared the same idealistic dream that we could save the world.

Unfortunately, when we were together, I was so busy trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be that I lost touch with who I was. It never occurred to me that anyone could like who I was so I never even gave him the chance to try. I don’t think I even knew who I was back then. I didn’t do a very good job of setting boundaries with him for the same reason. If he called at 10:00 pm and wanted to go out, I went. It didn’t matter that I was in the middle of writing a paper or wanted nothing more than 8 hours of sleep. In time, I grew to resent him for taking me away from myself and for taking up my time. Looking back, I realize that I was furious at him for not being able to read my mind.

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