BUS-TED

Monday morning, 7:25 am. You are running late, 3 blocks from your bus stop and you see a bus coming. RUN. It does not matter that the bus will NOT wait for you, run anyway. By doing so, you can transfer the blame for being late onto the bus system.

7:30 am. Congratulations. You have reached the bus stop after running a hundred yard dash in a time that should qualify you for the Olympics, without having a heart attack. Begin the "waiting for the bus" ritual. Pace impatiently. Stop. Look at your watch. Sigh expressively. Pace a bit more. Stop. Look at your watch again. Wander out into the street, dodging the traffic, and look for your bus. Repeat this process until the bus finally arrives.

7:34 am. The bus arrives. Swear audibly as someone ahead of you digs through his or her pockets for their bus pass. Comment in a testy voice that you have only 26 minutes to get to work on time.

7:38 am. Choose your seat. If the bus is relatively empty, choose an isle seat and put your belongings in the window seat to deter other passengers from taking your space. When the bus fills up and someone asks to sit in the unoccupied seat next to you, shoot them a look that says "You are not welcome here," sigh audibly, and reluctantly remove your belongings from the seat.

If the bus is relatively crowded, seek out a seat by someone that is clean and very small, (especially if you are very large). Spread out to take up as much space as possible. You need the extra room because you are busy worrying about being late.

If there are no seats available, pick a spot to stand where your bag(s) will be right in someone's face. Eventually that person will move and you can have their seat.

7:41 am. You are settled in. Gather energy from the universe (or bus pollution) and use it to will the bus to go faster. In doing so, remind the commuter gods that if this bus does not hurry, it will make you late to work. Make your efforts obvious so that everyone around you knows that you are in a hurry.

7:54 am. Finally, the next stop is yours. Ring the bell repeatedly to make the bus stop at your exit sooner. You have only 6 minutes to get to work on time. As the bus slows down, rush towards the door, perhaps hitting a few people with your bag as you go by. Shove your way off the bus and race for your building, bumping into several slackers who are walking at a snail's pace, and who deserve it anyway for being in your way.

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