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Spring Cleaning: Working Through the Winter Blahs

© Regina Sewell

Are you starting to feel a bit stir crazy because you’ve been cooped up indoors for months? I know that I am. As the cold, damp, dreary days of a Midwest winter linger on, I find myself fighting the urge to gnaw my leg off on my more flexible days. On my less flexible days, I’d settle for punching my fist through the living room wall or wailing incoherently into the netherworld of my basement. I can’t seem to make myself go outside other than to work and buy groceries, and I have a strong sense that if I don’t get out of this house soon I’m going to completely lose my mind. The walls feel like they are starting to close in on me, and I’m gradually slipping into a vortex of despair. I’m usually a neat freak, but lately it’s been a challenge to do more than reposition the clutter that is overtaking my house. It’s as if the grayness outside has seeped into my soul and taken root.

The grayness is not the only thing that’s taken root. Sometime around mid-February I started sliding out of my self-care routines. I started by rationalizing that sleeping in one morning rather than meditating and doing yoga wouldn’t hurt. The next morning, I used the same rationalization, and within a week, yoga was out of my routine. A similar thing happened with my exercise program. Even though I was sleeping more, by the end of February, I just felt too tired to work out at the end of the day. At first I convinced myself that I just needed rest. Then I just sort of rationalized that I’d start up again next week. I even managed to convince myself that watching reruns of MASH was more therapeutic than journaling. With nothing to challenge them, the old tapes in my head that spew self-hatred and condemnation have gotten so loud that sometimes they are all I hear. These tapes make it even more difficult to take care of myself, which in turn amplifies the voices.

Looking out the window at yet another damp and dreary day, I feel powerless to do anything to stop the vicious cycle that I have fallen into. I realize that I have been waiting for some external change, some miracle to get my life back into balance. I long to be saved, but I’m the only one who can save me. Sunshine will not make the clutter in the house disappear. It won’t turn off the negative tapes that are now screaming in my head. It won’t even make me hit the gym or the jogging path. I’ve got to do these things myself.

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