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Bait and Switch Child

© Sharon Balderson

I didn’t become a parent until I was 50 years old. My adopted son became an “at-risk” child at birth. His parents were inept at best, criminal at worst. He was plucked out of his home as a baby and moved in and out of 13 foster homes. At four, his paternal aunt took custody of him. Though she had good intentions, she also abused him and was never affectionate or warm to him. Instead he was blamed, accused, beaten, and molested.

During early childhood, his criminally abusive father was permitted to take him out of the home where he raped him in a park bathroom. He had no conscious memory of the incident until the age of 15, but the scars were evident. He was 11 when I was given custody.

So I unwittingly welcomed this shy, soft-spoken southern boy into my Midwestern home and we embarked on a remarkably circuitous journey. Now 17, the six years we’ve spent as mother and son are bittersweet – both wonderfully rewarding and crucially frustrating, sometimes at the same time. His past haunts him and often keeps him from being the amazingly talented and intelligent young man he could easily be.

What I knew about him that first year led me to take him from a life of unhappiness, bordering on despair, and offer him a chance to fulfill his impressive potential. I welcomed him into my home out of a rather naïve sense of altruism, not really knowing the worst elements about his past. I later learned that children are incredibly resilient in spite of tremendous damage done to them emotionally, physically and spiritually. But they never forget the damage.

Trying to help him heal from such wounds has been an arduous voyage. I have battled frustration, hopelessness and helplessness just trying to get him through one year of school. It’s hard to believe we’ve come this far, yet still struggle so hard just to approach a sense of normalcy.

Parenting an “at-risk” child feels overwhelmingly strange at times—like planning a trip to France and landing in Germany!? After all the planning and anticipation, the reality is wholly different and completely unexpected. I feel a bit like I fell for a bait and switch scheme. This child isn’t how you envisioned. He doesn’t get good grades or receive awards or accolades in sports or hobbies or anything (in spite of great aptitude). Instead, your parental “trophies” involve phone calls from teachers, counselors, neighbors, and other officials reporting something you don’t want to hear and often find impossible to believe. Though he’s also capable of tremendous compassion, humor, joy, and love, he often makes dangerous decisions that you can’t always protect him from. Often they are decisions that threaten your own well being.

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