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Custody Battles:Don't Ask, Don't Tell

© Claudia McCreary

The phone rang awakening me from my gentle late morning slumber. It was my stepson Matt. He is 20 and a very special kid I am blessed to have in my life. He had a very special message for me that morning. He has some difficulty reading and expressing himself using the written word; so it is momentous when he sits down to write an important letter. In this particular letter he said many important things to his mother that he wanted to share with me. But the thing that touched my heart beyond compare was what he told her about me. He told her that of all the people she could have ended up with as a life partner, he was really glad it was I!

Yes we are lesbians and Matt is just one of our children. We actually have three. It becomes harder and harder for lesbian, and gay males to raise children. Not only are there the financial emotional and physiological challenges all parents face, but also the strain society puts on gay families.

The typical benefits most parents expect and receive are usually not there for gay parents. Because we cannot legally marry we lose out on certain tax benefits that affect us financially, as well as community support available to other traditional families. We risk an 85% greater chance of having our children taken away from us by family /children welfare services or other misguided family members. And should a lesbian or gay couple separate; the non-custodial parent can find himself or herself totally cut off from the children they have grown to love as their own.

This means that the child, who thinks I am one of the best things to ever happen to his mother, could lose the legal right to even talk to me, were he below the age of consent and something happened to my spouse Gerry. Or should Gerry and I split up acrimoniously.

While there are usually custody battles in divorce etc. things become very different when the two people involved are gay. One problem is that many people, including judges think of gay parents as exclusively sexual beings, while heterosexual parents are perceived as people who, along with many other activities in their lives, occasionally engage in sex.

Merely being identified as lesbian or gay, with out any proof or sexual conduct may very well become relevant to the court. Suddenly conduct that would be irrelevant to parenting skills and even expected in a loving couple (such as holding hands for example) can become an issue when the parents are of the same sex.

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