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I Married a Space Alien

© Dennis Cox

In Alvin Orloff’s satirical science fiction novel, “I Married An Earthling”, a space alien discovers that Earth is a nice place to visit but you wouldn’t want to live there. Norvex is a dowdy professor of Earth Studies on the progressive planet Zeeron. He receives little respect, basically because artists, fashion designers and interior decorators and hairdressers occupy the most esteemed and exalted social status of all. Norvex’s only hope to become a social grandee is to research Earth’s curious culture first hand. Zeeronians have a fascination with 1970’s t.v. situation comedies and Norvex plans to find out how representative the shows are to real life on Earth. Further, he knows for certain that academics are more respected on Earth than artists. Zeeronians have a fascination with Earth’s situation comedies.

When Norvex lands on Earth in New York City, he is immediately disillusioned. He is ill prepared for the stinking stench of pollution, which accosts his nostrils, bellicose interglobal relations, conformity, disease, and exploitation of workers. Woefully absent is the benign hilarity of “Green Acres” the fashionable frivolity of “Absolutely Fabulous” or even the whimsicality of “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse”. Norvex also experiences the bigotry fear and intolerance of US citizens who bristle with dangerous hatred at any one who is “different”. Alternating with Norvex’s musings is the diary of a misfit teen, Chester. Chester idolizes Andy Warhol, emulating him in visage with pasty white make-up. Add to that his black robes, nail polish, acne-ridden face, paunchy physique, his homosexuality, and Chester is ripe for the jeering scorn of his high school peers. Chester is also burdened with an imperious stepmother, a clueless bourgeoisie father and a blonde, green-eyed brother with a blemish free complexion and a plum role in a popular tv comedy, “Hangin’ In There”. What’s a boy to do? Chester spends most of his time with Daphne, a fellow Goth, and modern feminist with attitudes of extreme tolerance and a penchant for dancing at counter-culture nightclubs. As the novel progresses, we sense the loneliness and alienation of Norvex and Chester. Although Norvex has the amorous company of Her Tremendousness, Zeeronian cosmetologist Supreme, Zeeba, their relationship is based mainly on their differences and Norvex yearns for a new kind of fulfillment. Chester, with his eccentric taste and all of his uncomely physical disadvantages, just plain cannot get laid. The predictable plot line draws these two together and of course it is love at first sight. Trouble is, Earth’s society maintains a “primitive taboo” against a liaison between a seventeen year old and a man multitudinous decades older. The suspense builds as Chester is institutionalized in a mental hospital and Norvex tries to evade capture by the self-righteous authorities.