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I couldn’t stand it any longer. Everyone was talking so loud and so fast… my head was hurting terribly. I could see… but nothing registered… everything was a blur. I remember telling my friend to take me to the hospital before I hurt myself. She kept insisting that everything was going to be okay. It wasn’t until I screamed at everyone that they finally got my coat and got me in the car. I don’t remember the ride… but I was feeling calmer yet still very empty and on the verge of tears. The next thing I knew I was sitting in an examining room. The lights were very bright and invading… I found myself covering my eyes throughout the whole visit. A nurse was asking me questions, but I found that my friend was answering them for me. I finally found myself saying that I wanted to die. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I was immediately admitted to the hospital and found myself comfortable in a clean bed with dim lights. I had no noise around me… just quiet… and my thoughts to comfort me. I really didn’t want to die. I just was terrified as to why I was acting the way I was. Crying for no reason, upset for no reason. I felt that my emotions controlled me rather than the other way around. I was empty inside and lying in the bed all alone allowed me to forget everything… to actually tune out of the world around me and forget. That’s what I really wanted…
This was the start of my life with Bipolar Disorder… a very hard and sometimes devastating disorder. I didn’t just wake up one morning and start having symptoms… I’d always felt this way but it just started to culminate in my teens. I was always an intense person… a child with imaginary friends that treated me better than any other human could. I felt emotions triple-fold… no emotion simply was… they were deep and intense. I didn’t have many friends and found more comfort around the adults in my life. I had many medical problems… leaving me with no choice but to quit the sports I loved. I was an overweight child due to thyroid problems… therefore I got teased by my peers even into highschool. I sometimes hated going to school because of that. I never told my mother however… she and my father were battling their own problems and I didn’t feel that I should bother her even more than she needed. The night in question happened in the spring of 1990. I had been caught in a bunch of lies and I lost it. If I could have fallen asleep and never woken up… I would have. That was the wake-up call that both my parents and I needed… I finally got the therapy I needed. After extensive personal therapy and a little family therapy (that really didn’t do much) I was finally referred to a psychiatrist. He was the one who labeled me (at that time) manic-depressive. I was put on Lithium and sent on my merry way. It helped a little bit, but I didn’t like the fact that I was mentally ill and found myself getting off the lithium here and there without my mother knowing.
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