Bipolar Disorder: My Story


© Tara Kimball

I couldn’t stand it any longer. Everyone was talking so loud and so fast… my head was hurting terribly. I could see… but nothing registered… everything was a blur. I remember telling my friend to take me to the hospital before I hurt myself. She kept insisting that everything was going to be okay. It wasn’t until I screamed at everyone that they finally got my coat and got me in the car. I don’t remember the ride… but I was feeling calmer yet still very empty and on the verge of tears. The next thing I knew I was sitting in an examining room. The lights were very bright and invading… I found myself covering my eyes throughout the whole visit. A nurse was asking me questions, but I found that my friend was answering them for me. I finally found myself saying that I wanted to die. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I was immediately admitted to the hospital and found myself comfortable in a clean bed with dim lights. I had no noise around me… just quiet… and my thoughts to comfort me. I really didn’t want to die. I just was terrified as to why I was acting the way I was. Crying for no reason, upset for no reason. I felt that my emotions controlled me rather than the other way around. I was empty inside and lying in the bed all alone allowed me to forget everything… to actually tune out of the world around me and forget. That’s what I really wanted…

This was the start of my life with Bipolar Disorder… a very hard and sometimes devastating disorder. I didn’t just wake up one morning and start having symptoms… I’d always felt this way but it just started to culminate in my teens. I was always an intense person… a child with imaginary friends that treated me better than any other human could. I felt emotions triple-fold… no emotion simply was… they were deep and intense. I didn’t have many friends and found more comfort around the adults in my life. I had many medical problems… leaving me with no choice but to quit the sports I loved. I was an overweight child due to thyroid problems… therefore I got teased by my peers even into highschool. I sometimes hated going to school because of that. I never told my mother however… she and my father were battling their own problems and I didn’t feel that I should bother her even more than she needed. The night in question happened in the spring of 1990. I had been caught in a bunch of lies and I lost it. If I could have fallen asleep and never woken up… I would have. That was the wake-up call that both my parents and I needed… I finally got the therapy I needed. After extensive personal therapy and a little family therapy (that really didn’t do much) I was finally referred to a psychiatrist. He was the one who labeled me (at that time) manic-depressive. I was put on Lithium and sent on my merry way. It helped a little bit, but I didn’t like the fact that I was mentally ill and found myself getting off the lithium here and there without my mother knowing.

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Here's the follow-up discussion on this article: View all related messages

1.   Apr 24, 2003 2:05 PM
Hey Tara,

I realize it's been a while since you wrote this article, but I'm hoping you drop in occasionally and will see this.

There were many things in your story that were like my own. For ye ...


-- posted by eleanorstrong





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