A Walk Through The 12-Steps: Step 9 - Page 2
© Cynthia Webber (Jausten)
An amend is not a time to discuss how another person has hurt us. Making an amend means that we only focus upon what we alone have done to hurt another. It is not a time to discuss problems within a relationship, but rather a time to tell the other person how we have hurt them and not bring up any hurts done to us. This is very difficult to do, but the successful amends are the ones in which we don't blame or expect the other person to make amends to us also. For example, I have made direct amends to people in my own life, and I pushed all the hurt that had been inflicted upon me out of my mind before I made the call to tell them what specific things I had done to hurt them. I did not make these amends to get their approval or friendship back. Rather, I made them to get myself centered and right within myself.
Step 9 speaks of making direct amends wherever possible. The emphasis is on facing those we have harmed. There are circumstances where we can't make direct amends such as when a person has died or we've lost contact with them. However, we can write them a letter and read it out loud either at a grave site or sitting alone with the person in our mind. Nobody is standing over us to make sure that we take this Step with sincerity. We are the only ones who will ever truly know. However, if we wish to be free from the terrible, suffocating weight of guilt, we must take whatever action is necessary to make amends for the harm we have caused. Only then will we find real relief.
With this Step, we have the opportunity to choose the kind of person we want to become, and also choose the kinds of relationships that are important to us. We are humans, and we must learn not to beat ourselves up for having made mistakes. We just admit that we made them and do what we can to correct them. Our actions show that we have enough respect for ourselves to change and become the people we were meant to be in spite of having fibromyalgia.
We can avoid this Step and sit and dwell upon all the hurts that have been inflicted upon us by people who don't understand our fibromyalgia, but this will not set us free. Step 9 is not about relieving our guilt at the expense of others, nor is it about setting ourselves up for abuse. The purpose of Step 9 is to do what we can to heal ourselves and our relationships, and so we will be free to be ourselves.
Go To Page: 1 2
| Here's the follow-up discussion on this article: | View all related messages |
For a complete listing of article comments, questions, and other discussions related to Cynthia Webber (Jausten)'s Fibromyalgia topic, please visit the Discussions page.