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A Walk Through The 12-Steps: Step 9

© Cynthia Webber (Jausten)

Step 9 of any 12-Step Program suggests that we make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. In Step 8, we listed those whom we have harmed. We are now faced with the task of making amends. We cannot undo what has been done in the past, but we can express our regrets and make a commitment to try not to repeat past mistakes.

By taking Step 9, we rid ourselves of the guilt that has weighed us down for a long time. The guilt of having fibromyalgia may cause us to blame others, isolate ourselves, or lash out in anger towards those who don't understand what we go through each day. However, by facing the harm we have done and finding the most suitable form of amends for the situation, we can leave the past in the past.

There are many ways to make direct amends. Simple, straightforward apologies are one way, while changing our attitudes and altering our behavior is another. Sometimes amends must be made in person; however, at other times a letter or phone call is more suitable. For those of us who need to make amends to online friends, an email or message in ICQ is also available to us.

It helps to review the situation with a trusted friend in order to determine what would be most helpful to us and most appropriate to the circumstances. Prayer and self-honesty are necessary in order to find the right words and time in which to make our amends.

Occasionally, bringing up the past may reopen old wounds and make matters worse. Direct amends are not appropriate if they will cause further harm to another person. For example, if we have harmed someone who has asked us to refrain from any further communication, then we must abide by their wishes. However, we may choose to vow never to repeat the same mistake with anyone else we encounter. Also, we may choose to write a heartfelt letter of amends to that person and read it to someone whom we trust rather than mailing it.

Step 9 involves important spiritual work within ourselves. Having fibromyalgia does not exempt us from taking a good look within ourselves and seeing where we have harmed not only others, but more importantly, ourselves. As with Step 8, when we placed our name on the top of our list, we need to make amends to ourselves first. This involves spending time alone and learning to accept ourselves just as we are. Forgiving ourselves for our faults must come first, for without this beginning, it is more difficult to make amends to others without pointing out to them how they have hurt us.