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A Walk Through the 12-Steps: Step 8

© Cynthia Webber (Jausten)

Step 8 of any 12-step program suggests that we must make a list of all people we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all. Most of us with fibromyalgia have a distorted sense of responsibility. Some of us are unable to name a single person we have harmed, because we feel that we have been the victims of other people's cruel or insensitive behavior. For example, it is difficult to look at our own behavior when family members, friends, and physicians do not believe us when we say we are in pain and are fatigued.

We can become so focused on the opinions of others that we miss the fact that our own behavior has not always been so wonderful. As much as I try to understand what my family is going through with my fibromyalgia, my actions towards them do have consequences. Sometimes, intentionally or unintentionally, I can hurt those around me.

Most of us can rationalize our poor treatment of others, feeling that we were only reacting to the way we have been treated or that we had no choice. However, if we set aside all self-justification and keep the focus strictly on ourselves, we must admit that we were responsible for causing harm. Whether it was by isolating ourselves, or being angry and resentful towards our families, friends and physicians, it is still our responsibility to look at the harm we have caused others.

Others of us carry an unwarranted burden of responsibility, believing ourselves to be the source of most of the pain and suffering in our lives and in the lives of those with whom we have contact. We may feel that we have hurt everyone by having fibromyalgia, and may even blame ourselves for our condition. This is just as much a distortion of reality as thinking we have done no harm to others. Sometimes people's suffering is of their own making, and sometimes pain is just a part of life. This is not the physical pain of fibromyalgia, but rather the emotional pain that others go through whether or not our fibromyalgia has affected them. Also, we sometimes contribute to other people's problems by feeling so responsible for their actions towards us.

Step 8 provides an opportunity to learn the difference between what is and is not our responsibility. It also helps us to take a more realistic look at the effects of our actions upon others.

The copyright of the article A Walk Through the 12-Steps: Step 8 in Fibromyalgia is owned by Cynthia Webber (Jausten). Permission to republish A Walk Through the 12-Steps: Step 8 in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.