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A Walk through the 12-Steps: Step 4

© Cynthia Webber (Jausten)

Step 4 of any 12-Step Program says that we are to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Many of us with fibromyalgia can easily provide an impressive list of the admirable qualities of our family and friends, but when asked to list our own positive qualities, we may find it difficult to name even a few. Our self-esteem may have become lower due to our chronic condition and our inability to do all the things that we used to do. Thus, we don't see ourselves as we really are, and may have created the illusion that others are more valuable and praiseworthy than we are. By taking Step 4, we allow ourselves to discover that we do possess those same qualities that we admire in others.

Step 4 is an inventory of who we are. It is a list of characteristics, thought and behavior patterns, relationships and events that make us who we are today. This step helps us to learn about ourselves by looking at our strengths and weaknesses, our unconscious habits and unrecognized talents, our unspoken shame, secret delights and hidden passions. The key that we need in order to look at and accept ourselves as we truly are is to do this step without judgment. When we start judging and comparing ourselves to others, then we are not looking at ourselves.

By taking an inventory of ourselves, we must look at both our positive and negative traits. Most of us are accustomed to finding fault with ourselves, or blaming others for our reactions to situations. It is more important to concentrate on our own positive traits first, and then fearlessly look at our negative ones.

Looking at our positive traits first provides us with the opportunity to search out and identify all that is commendable about ourselves. Once we've acknowledged our strengths, then we can use them as the foundation for the new life that we are creating for ourselves. Also, by accepting our positive attributes, characteristics and special talents, it becomes easier to maintain some objectivity as we delve into the not-so-desirable areas of our behavior and attitudes.

Since this step is a fearless moral inventory, we must look at our negative traits as objectively as we are able to do. For example, if my family members leave messes around the house, I become irritable, but I also feel guilty, because I am not doing my share of the household chores. I can do some of the chores, but I have allowed my fibromyalgia to be my excuse for not keeping up with what I'm really capable of doing. This makes me think about myself and my unconscious habit of expecting others to take over with small chores just because I have fibromyalgia. I need to look at myself and take the time to do the things which I am capable of doing so that our house does not become so messy and dirty that it overwhelms not only myself, but my entire family. When we allow the small problems of our day to fester and grow, they become big open wounds which are more difficult to heal. If I begin my day with several small irritations and I don't stop to really think about why these small irritations have become so important to me, then I'm setting myself up for resentment and anger towards either myself or others. The small problems of our day can be dealt with before they become so huge we are overwhelmed by guilt, blame and judgment of ourselves and others.

The copyright of the article A Walk through the 12-Steps: Step 4 in Fibromyalgia is owned by Cynthia Webber (Jausten). Permission to republish A Walk through the 12-Steps: Step 4 in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.