Fibromyalgia and Suicide: Part II
© Fibromyalgia Friends' Support Group
Peter:
I gather from what I have read in the posts I have seen that you wish to discuss suicide and how we might deal with the thoughts. Speaking from a personal perspective plus my own observations ... thats a difficult subject for many of us to discuss. I think most of us FMer's have had to battle our own thoughts about it over the years. And to actually discuss it ... it brings more into the forefront those thoughts and feelings that we had finally been able to sequester into a dark little closet in the back of our conscious minds ... and try desperately to keep them there. I am just as uncomfortable as the next person about speaking about it ... but if you feel you need to, then I will do my best ;-) You see, I "did battle" with my thoughts of suicide for quite some time. I even went to far as to research on the net how much of what variety of pills I would need to make sure "when I did it" it would be done right. And for at least 6 months I had my horde of pills set conveniently on my nightstand. In those "dark days" (as I call them now) ... it wasn't a matter of IF I was going to commit suicide ... it was WHEN. Even though I was more fortunate than a lot of others in that I had the love & support of my family, friends & neighbors ... mainly, I think, because my FM was a very slow onset and they all witnessed my decline in health. But I still lost everything I was, all my financial security I had worked decades to achieve ... I lost all my hopes and dreams of the future I had planned for myself. I did not know "me" anymore ... and I did not particularly like, let alone love, the person I had become or the life that person was living. I did not want this life ... and suicide seemed to be my only way out of it. But then, after too many months, the way I was thinking slowly changed. I realized that if I commited suicide ... then I was basically letting FM win. And, too, my own religious/spiritual beliefs started reasserting themselves. But that was the point in time I decided that I was NOT going to just let FM win ... not without me giving it the fight of
