So you want to have a Millennium Baby, baby?

If you're not expecting a child in the next two months or so it's still not too late to jump on the Millennium Madness bandwagon and conceive your own Official Millennium Baby.

Considering that the new century -- and the next millennium -- don't actually begin until January 1, 2001, there's still plenty of time for you procrastinators to get into the action. The Artist Currently Know as a Bizarre Unpronounceable Symbol may be partying like it's 1999, but his (and everyone else's) millennial mania is a little misplaced.

The real millennium is still more than a year off, folks.

Think of the possibilities. With another year to prepare, you can plan your child's birth down to the day, if not the minute, for a January 1, 2001 birth. Preferably at 12:01 a.m. With the confusing Y2K mess out of the way, there will be nothing to detract from your achievement. Surely someone will be willing to exploit your child's status as Official First Citizen of the next 1,000 years. There may be a book deal in it for you. Or a film option. Or at least a movie-of-the-week. Don't settle for anything less than a used Yugo.

Of course, if that pesky Y2K problem actually amounts to anything, and society experiences a massive collapse on an unprecedented global scale, your timing may be problematic. Who's to say those expensive home pregnancy kits will still be available in the post-Y2K apocalypse? And what about ovulation kits? Are they manufactured and distributed by computer dependant companies? You bet they are. Isn't everything? Better stock up now. Forget candles, batteries and bottled water. You're going to need disposable diapers and basal thermometers.

While the rest of us are struggling to survive in the new Stone Age, you'll need to focus on raising a child who will one day have to balance a checkbook without a calculator. Provided there are still such things as checks -- or banks. Perhaps we'll have reverted to a barter economy by then, or a feudal system of warring city states. Better stock up on even more disposable diapers. And ammunition. And baby wipes. You could well become a powerful man with that kind of bargaining power.

In any event, there's no time like the present to begin practicing for your Target Conception Date. Enjoy this old-fashioned millennium while you've still got it. The future's uncertain, but one thing's sure: Millennium Baby or not, all too soon your child will be pestering you for the pass card to the family flying car (or mule, depending on the outcome of that pesky Y2K fiasco). You'd better be prepared. And good luck with your timing.

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