The Desperation of Being Poor

Right now I'm recovering from something - I don't know what -I've felt it before and its hurt about the same. Why it affects me and the things that trigger this mood change are mysterious. The feeling is one that makes me want to shake it off me, get it out of my system, like a disease. This dilemma or "monster" or sorts attacks me and makes my brow furrow, I feel tension through my neck and shoulders, my gut wants to tighten as if it were a fist ready to punch. My body seems to die and wither and doesn't want to move, only stagnate. There are no smiles and nothing is happy or beautiful anywhere; nothing in my life seems significant. Physiologically I'm tense and worthless.

Psychologically I'm possessed with a kind of rage and feel totally dependent and useless; the whole world is very ugly and everything that revolves around it is ugly as well. This feeling has come before, usually when I'm reminded of how poor I am and how I can't provide for myself and how I'm not seeing the benefits of my work.

Whenever I'm reminded of what I can't touch, what I can't do, and where I can't go because of being poor like a beggar the feeling approaches. When this sickening, demoralizing feeling hits me, I am in a sense paralyzed and nothing seems worthy of doing, like a vegetable-only breathing I am! How many more times will this feeling eat me up inside? How long must I wait to see the table turn in my favor? Can't I provide more for myself at the age of twenty-three? All around my life are people who can provide and whose lives seem so ____ easy!

While I get to hear about business trips to "here, there and everywhere", steak dinners; I'm not hired because health problems or discrimination gets in the way. Pressure from everywhere plus the added hardship of wondering if I'll be well from day to day-can't I just skip over all the hell and get to the point when I'm getting paychecks every week?

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