The Voyage: The Journey

Here it is 1:30am in the morning, I am feeling a mixture of anticipation, anxiety, and promise. I am also remembering times past of disappointments, despair and questioning if I have forgotten the meaning of hope. Why? The reason for this hodgepodge of sensations is that I am about to embark on a voyage that I have not traveled in 24 years. Will this trip require plane fare or a VISA? Will I be gone for weeks? Have I seen this place before?

It requires no fare of any type, no special passes-only a diagnosis, that being epilepsy. That voyage is going to remove an anticonvulsant I've been taking in various forms for over two decades and replacing it with a new, less damaging, more applicable one-Trileptal. It will take weeks to stabilize on the drug, provided I do not have intolerable side effects.

When you've been uncontrolled for nearly 30 years, seen so many tears in doctor's eyes, it makes it difficult to remain optimistic.

My seizure pattern has been as predictable as the seasons with responding to an initial drug favorably, only to discover it has lost its effect. I've compared it through the years as "taking a ticket on a ride...a glorious ride" that one day just slows down to a halt. My metabolism eats anticonvulsants at a rate that demands more milligrams to achieve the same effect. Eventually, backed into a medical corner; I will run out of milligrams to boost.

I have always managed to withstand the damaging effects of thousands of milligrams without cognitive impairment, thank heaven. Side effects I have known but my memory, persona and character have not been damaged through the years. I am grateful yet a bit resentful that modern science had not come up with a drug suitable to control the thousands of seizures I have had through my life. No drug to date, and I have tried almost all my choices applicable to my situation, has let me know seizure-freedom.

Constant adjustments of medicines were made at a monthly level. Then, as I approached my thirties the severity increased along with the frequency. Now, after taking what used to be a drug that had the most benefits and least detriments, Tegretol has lost its ability to work. Now adjustments are made on a daily basis by my neurologist's direction. Status simple partials happen at a whim, hormonally aggravated or not. I guess an onlooker could say it has been an interesting ride up to this point, but I would just as soon settle for complacency.

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