1. Always dispose of your waste near vegetation and crops so it’s useful benefits as fertilizer can be utilized. Doing so will ensure your protection as a “necessary” species, since you’ll be helping the economy.
2. Avoid at all costs campers and tourists who have carelessly left hotdogs and hamburgers within reach. They are only luring you in to obtain rugs for in front of their fireplaces and trophy heads to brag about on their walls. If you are thinking of this action because of severe hunger, feed on each other. Man likes to write magazine articles about this type of survival tactic and you’ll become famous!
3. Foraging tip – be on the look out for people driving Chrysler brand vehicles. Many of these will be laid off employees and will be stocked up with canned food items, given as donations! Don’t worry if you have to kill a few, consider it culling, since they’re over-populated anyway.
4. If you have any talents, you can audition for the zoo or circus acts. Usually this type of work involves hoop jumping and providing human rides. Beware…isolation and strict…I mean stick discipline may be utilized. Of course they don’t tell you this until you’re chained up helpless. Call the humane society before accepting any employment as such, and make sure the company is in good standing.
5. For those who are older and unable to fend for themselves, you can donate yourself to science. Just turn yourself into the nearest research lab, where you’ll receive three squares a day and a cozy little pen. In exchange you’ll participate in forced breeding programs, cigarette and alcohol studies and other scientific breakthroughs. You’ll be the gift that just keeps on giving…cause after you die, they can forward your remains over to Africa where you’ll help alleviate the bushmeat trade issues.
Obviously satire can evoke some angry responses, although may enlist sympathy as well. Animals are mistreated, culled because of space issues and experimented upon at mans convenience. What ever happened to putting yourself in the other person’s shoes? Every year we spend billions of dollars trying to assist the starving and diseased people in other countries. Do we offer similar support to the starving and homeless wildlife? We are quite accepting of spending billions of dollars in the name of science, even without obtaining success. Why is it then that we fail to understand the importance of all wildlife to the ecosystem? It seems that man is just not interested in seeing the bigger picture.
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