How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Some older Americans can remember that tongue twister. Well, tongues are not the only things that get twisted when woodchucks are around. A lot of folks get just plain bent out of shape in spring when the woodchucks emerge from hibernation just in time to help themselves to our gardens. By June 1 this year, one fat female has leveled my tomato seedlings, most of my perennials, and the tops of my wife's rose bushes. This is definitely one bad woodchuck and we've been planning her demise but dynamite is illegal. We fenced in the plants instead. However, this is a story of another woodchuck, probably an ancestor of the present pest.
One local woodchuck I knew bamboozled several neighbors for quite some time. Years ago he lived under an old house behind mine and ventured out each morning and late afternoon to see whether my neighbor Bill had planted anything in "his" garden.
Bill, aware of the woodchuck problem, warned me not to set out any starter plants until there were more things for the bullet-headed, toothsome fellow to eat. (I never learned.) But as soon as Bill walked away after giving me this advice, bullethead waddled out from under the house to check out Bill's garden.
This particular woodchuck had been at it for at least a year by the time I first saw him. When I moved into my new house, he was living in the builder's mound of top soil behind the then unfinished house. When the topsoil was spread for the future lawn, he moved under the old house. I watched him the rest of the summer as he waddled back and forth along a row of corn, oblivious to my dog, a neighbor's cat and Bill.
Woodchucks, the third largest North American rodent, are marmots. We easterners can count ourselves lucky because the western version, the hoary marmot is larger. If we knew what hoary meant we would even be more scared. The famous John James Audubon supposedly had a tame woodchuck that slept by his fireplace. This is small consolation to us because they are still pests. Most people would like to see them on somebody else's property.
Woodchucks are about 20 to 26 inches long including their bushy six-inch tails. They weigh from 5 to 10 pounds but the one helping himself to Bill's garden looked like he weighed between 12 and 15 pounds. He used his long chisel-shaped front teeth to clip off vegetation. Bill noted with annoyance that one year bullethead made off with an entire 60-foot row of peas in one night.
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