When Bad Guests Happen to Good People
Do Some Homework. Advance preparation can reduce stress. Are unruly children coming? Put away your treasures. Is your brother obnoxious when he drinks? Consider purging the house of alcohol. Have grease on hand for the squeaky wheels–activities (books, videos, games, etc) for children; your sister-in-law’s favorite coffee; a list of interesting places your parents can visit during their stay. Perhaps if your guests are more comfortable, they’ll cause you less grief. Is your nemesis someone you can’t stand to be alone with? Is there someone who can visit at the same time to be moral support and a buffer zone? Or someone who can run interference in a group situation?
Stick to Your Guns. Don’t make on-the-spot decisions. Say you need time to check if the request can be met or simply stand by your original parameters. If someone brings alcohol to your alcohol-free party, accept it with thanks for the thought then store it out of sight. Display a “no smoking” sign and offer an outdoor location where your guest can light up. Enforce the usual house rules with your child guests. Ditto for adults. If your bedroom is off-limits, it’s off-limits. Period. Lock the door and hide the key if necessary.
Arm Yourself. No amount of preparation can erase the deep feelings you have for this person, why you’d rather not be with him at all. You will need coping strategies for the duration of contact.
Reduce the amount of time spent together. During a dinner or party, excuse yourself to tend to hostly duties or mingle with other guests. For an extended visit, go for a walk, take a trip to the store for extra groceries or supplies, shower or nap. At the very least, use the bathroom as a retreat. No need to say you’ll be swearing your brains out under the sound of the running tap. If you can’t escape physically, do you have a mental happy place? Go there whenever you need a break.
Avoid hot topics. If the other person brings one up, ignore the comment, sidestep the question, change the subject.
Remember the reason you agreed to do this. Can you reduce it to a mantra? Use it, often. Carry or wear a reminder–a pin, a worry stone, a slip of paper inscribed with the words.
Take care of yourself. You’ll be better equipped to deal with stress if you eat well, get proper rest, exercise, and whatever else you need
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