Winning Strategies for Peace...From Kids in the Trenches

Guaranteed, several times a year domestic bliss takes a vacation from our household. At these times, the parents are at odds with the children over just about everything. Most of the teen behavior pushes the limits of the rules and most of the parental rules and responses chafe the autonomy of the teens.

During the most current bout of friction, I threw up my arms and posed the question to my children: What would you do? In other words, what advice would they give to parents to promote family harmony?

The first surprise was that they didn’t bludgeon me with answers. Given the opportunity to verbalize every grievance and perceived injustice, they spluttered and hedged. After several jokes, though, they gave serious thought to the question and–next surprise–offered only one or two suggestions each.

That intrigued me. I expanded my survey field to include friends, neighbors, and anyone I came into contact with for several days. It was by no means a scientific survey, but it did cover the range from elementary age to college students. The results were similar–one or two well-chosen bits of advice.

Here’s the short list:

Keep Your Promises. Children–young and old–get discouraged by parents who promise everything but deliver little or nothing. A few breaches can have them tuning out what we say. Habitual breaches erode their trust and respect for us.

Follow the Golden Rule. You know the rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This came up in particular reference to speech. They want to know if you would talk to your peers the way you talk to your children. Would you yell at friends for minor mistakes or infractions? Would you tell coworkers to shut up whenever they tried to express an opinion? Would you insult–including name-calling–your friends?

Don’t Have Too Many Rules. Some families have rules that cover all the details of life. The children feel trapped–any action is bound to violate one of the rules. They are constantly in trouble. The suggestion here is to choose your battles. Make rules concerning the issues that are most important to your family.

Trust Us. The young adults who mentioned this did not mean that parents should give complete freedom to their children. They did, however, wish their parents would trust them to obey the rules in place and make wise decisions about the rest. They don’t like when parents assume they will break rules, engage in troublesome behavior, and not have enough common sense to take care of themselves.

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