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Remove the emotion

© Annelies Mouring

One of the best ways to be an effective divorced parent is to look at every situation, whether legal, with the children or dealing with an ex-spouse, in an even tempered, cool headed manner, and to remove emotional baggage from the happenings. However, this might be one of the hardest things to do.

Emotion can change what at one time might be a sound decision. It is very important to keep emotion in check when dealing with things that can tend to be rather emotional. There are appropriate times to show emotion like when your child makes a beautiful drawing or gives you a hug or even sings the lead in the Christmas play.

For example, one of the hardest things to deal with is delivering your child to your ex-spouse for scheduled visitation and having the door opened by his new girlfriend, dressed in nothing more than a robe.

There are two ways to handle this situation:

First the emotional way. You could rant and rave. Demand the identity of the "girlfriend," scream and carry on and demand to see the ex-spouse. When the ex-spouse arrives in the room you demand to know what kind of example he is setting for the children and how dare he parade his love life in front of the children, knowing that they were coming for a visit. All this emotion makes you look silly when, in fact, in most situations it is a guise for the hurt feelings of seeing your ex-spouse with another. This kind of behavior is very natural and perfectly normal. However, there are times to show that emotion. Crying to a girlfriend or support later and ranting and carrying on is perfectly OK, but look at the way to handle the situation in #2.

#2: The non-emotional way: Begin by counting to 10 or taking a deep breath. Try humor or just be polite. Try things that will help you be comfortable as well as you children. "I think I might have the wrong house, is this 1234 Main Street? This used to be my ex-spouse's house and I am to drop his children off for visitation. The kids and I will wait in the living room (or outside) until he is available. Another approach would be "Hello, my name is Mary, I'm afraid we have not met." "This, is Samantha and Tina, and John." Perhaps an approach such as "I'm Jane, John's ex-wife. John and his children are scheduled to have a visitation today, however, it appears that you might not be ready for the visitation, perhaps the children and I can go around the corner to IHOP and you could meet us there in a half an hour when you and John are more ready for the children. Check with John or call me on my cell phone, John should have the number." Seeing that this could be a potential harmful situation to young children, you could say quietly, "I am not sure that your dress is appropriate to my young children. Could I please ask you to dress appropriately for their visit? I'm sure that they would love to get to know you better then.