On Having Need - Part II
© Niid la' i
(Continued from Part I)
Let's say I go to a therapy session. I am going to therapy because I am trying to resolve the conflicts I sense inside. Even being there is a serious breach of "the rules." Again, I am admitting I have needs, and I am trying to talk to someone about them. Talking is akin to murder. It is a capital offense and carries major consequences if broken. Therapy is all about talking! If I sit silent in front of my therapist then nothing is accomplished. If I speak to him I am buried in angry, shouting inner voices, pleading voices, scared voices. My body starts to hurt in various places. I cannot think again, and what I say comes out jumbled and incoherent. I get frustrated and panic-stricken. If my therapist shows even the slightest indication of impatience or perceived anger, everyone inside withdraws. All the others inside willing to watch and listen are so hyper alert they notice every movement, twitch and voice inflection the therapist has. This can seriously impede progress in therapy.
Many times I have left a session thinking the therapist has labeled me needy and draining. This is because if I ask him/her for anything: reassurance, understanding, support, I think I am being overbearing and demanding. The very act of walking through the door of the office and being seen feels like asking for more than anyone should ever be asked to give. Indeed, I am supposed to go in there and figure out what the therapist needs and start supporting and taking care of him! Paradoxically, if the therapist cannot return a rare phone call, or cannot be as supportive as I need him/her to be, I feel rejected and abandoned. So, I find myself in one of those double binds so common to survivors. If the therapist is supportive, I feel bad and evil. If he is not supportive, I feel bad and evil. This is all because I am not supposed to have any needs.
What can happen is that I get so worried about being needy that I become needy! By skirting around what I really want to say or ask for, those who are working with me have to guess at what I am really trying to ask or say. They can end up feeling manipulated or like they are being forced to play some strange kind of game. Though this is not my intent, especially if they do not know me very well, my "half-talk," as I call it, can create the very drain I am trying so hard not to inflict on others.
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