On Having Need - Part I
© Niid la' i
(Because it is a bit lengthy, it will be divided into two parts.)
As people seeking to heal from abuse, we often find that we need to make major shifts in our thinking when it comes to accepting help, comfort, sympathy, or (for a great many of us, in particular!) having needs. Since these things were simply not allowed when we were in abusive environments, it is difficult, to say the least, to retrain ourselves to think that the natural longings for help and support and comfort when it is appropriate should indeed be allowed.
This article by Niid la' i is a powerful example of how many of us were taught that "needing" was something that was absolutely not allowed, not to be expected or voiced, or even recognized. A note here - Niid la'i is a survivor of Satanic Ritual abuse. Her reference to "alters" refers to what psychologists refer to as dissociative states. While this particular form of abuse is certainly less prevalent (and most certainly less talked about), the effects of any type of abuse is something all survivors can relate to.
On Having Need
This is an essay on need. Need is frightening to me. I don't want to have need! The voices of programming inside start to shout at me when I acknowledge that I have needs. I am not supposed to have needs. I have always existed to serve others. I am supposed to be compliant, understanding, and forgiving, no matter what anyone does to me, or says to me. I am never supposed to express an opinion, or discontent or dissatisfaction. As a child, I learned to have a "nothing face." This face was devoid of all expression. It was a face that hid a million feelings. Sometimes, even this expression was unacceptable. If it was misconstrued as sullen, then punishment descended on me anyway. I had to have at least a suggestion of a smile and contentment blended in with the nothing face. It was used when cult members were present and in the home with the mother and father.
