Seasonal Affective Disorder
© John McManamy
I stood in a steady drizzle, the rain beating on my exposed head like a Chinese water torture. But my physical discomfort was nothing compared to the subtle process taking place from within the other side of my skull. Months before, without knowing it, I had said goodbye to the sun forever, and it was beginning to have a very pronounced effect on my psyche.
In the fall of 1975 I had moved to Vancouver to be with my fiancee. There, in Kitsalano, where the hippies hung out, one could wake up to a breathtaking view of the ships in the harbor and the snow-capped mountains behind North Vancouver. But nine days out of ten, the clouds dropped to treetop level, discharging a light mist that carried the intoxicating scents of the nearby forests into the city but also creating a filmy shroud that settled over every landmark in the vicinity.
"They took away the mountains," I would half-joke to my fiancee, not used to a force that could turn mighty peaks invisible. Then December approached, and with it a Stygian darkness that descended at four in the afternoon and snuffed out the murky gray that passed for light in this part of the world.
So it came as a welcome relief to spend Christmas with my folks in Connecticut, where the temperatures were much colder, but where there was light in abundance. How resplendent it was reflected off the snow, in brilliant blues with gold highlights. Light, light, glorious light. I drank it in the way a dehydrated person might immerse himself in water.
Then it was back to the gloom of Vancouver. I literally felt my own lights going out. It got so bad that I actually flunked a drivers test twice. As the darkness settled in, I could feel the whole city turning against me. It was as if everyone in the phone directory had entered into a secret pact to make my life miserable. Every time a Canadian said, eh, I knew it was a personal insult directed at me and me only.
"I hate this city!" I screamed in the rain to my fiancee.
Don't get me wrong - Vancouver happens to be one of the most beautiful cities in the world, as well as being one of the best places to live. And, according to the natives, I had a spectacular summer to look forward to. This year, however, the summer never materialized. The only sign of a change in season was the Stygian darkness modifying back to muted grays.
