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To Madness and Back - Page 5

© John McManamy

I finished my book in five weeks, and very soon after I found an agent and a publisher. Lest I be seen to be giving my manic phase all the credit, let me make it clear that I did not write that book so much as retrieve it. The book was actually the product of six years of immersion in the world of business and finance, and several years before that in law and many more years working at my craft as a writer, plus a whole lifetime of reading and learning. By the time I came to sit down at the keyboard, my brain knew exactly what to do. Mania may have been a part of the process, but only as an accessory to the deed.

Once I had a publisher lined up, the inevitable letdown occurred. I literally didn't get out of my bed for weeks. Meanwhile, my depression was punctuated by the kind of rages that could very easily be mistaken for mania. In fact, mania may have intruded into my depression. These "mixed" states, by the way, continue to perplex the psychiatric profession, who can't seem to agree amongst themselves.

Over time my depression eased and I took on another major writing assignment. As for my Damascus Road experiences, there was no turning back. I now began to explore my innate spirituality in a far less delusional fashion, and experienced several immediate benefits. The meditation and yoga I began practicing brought me back from the edge, and gave me a sense of hope. I also found that after years in the single-minded world of business and finance, my thinking became far more three-dimensional.

But my miraculous "recovery" prevented me from seeking real help. My minor successes only served to fuel grandiose ideas, and my resurrection back into the real world gave way to the intoxication of mild mania. In time I would be felled by a cascading series of killer depressions. It was only when I had an irresistible vision of myself swinging from the balcony of my bedroom that I finally called out.

Fortunately I was back in the States with my family able to help.

It has taken me six months to claw my way back to a state where I actually had an experience of feeling happy without being in a state of mania or hypomania. All my life I have always wanted to be normal and fit in, even though I knew from day one almost that I was different. But now normal has taken on a new meaning. Normal is what is normal for me.

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