If people were more aware of their impact on that grieving mother, they could avoid making thoughtless comments or doing things that may confuse the issue of allowing that woman to experience her grief in a normal way.
Anything that happens that gives an impression that no baby existed in the first place, is destructive to the mother's mental stability. It keeps her from being able to grieve in a healthy way.
Examples of acting like there was no baby may include not allowing the mother to see the baby, hold it or say good bye; not encouraging the parents to named the baby; not having a memorial or funeral service; and getting rid of all the items that were purchased in preparation for the baby's arrival.
It should be remembered that the hormones a woman is producing, tell her brain that she gave birth to a baby. It will not register that the baby died. She will have the urge to hold her baby in her arms and her breasts will prepare to lactate. These happenings will add to her grief, as well as the wide mood swings she starts to experience immediately after birth.
Typically, I experienced anger because no one could tell me why my miscarriage had happened and that I was denied the experience that other women seemed to be allowed just by virtue of being a woman. I felt guilty because I believed that if I had done something different, it would not have happened. I felt like I had disappointed and failed my husband.
I did not want to hear that, "It was probably for the best," or that "You can have another baby at a later time." I could not handle hearing about someone else getting pregnant or attend a baby shower. Being around someone else's baby did not stop me from wanting one of my own.
It is a dangerous time after a miscarriage. It can become easy to fall into the habit of trying to dull the disappointment with alcohol and/or other drugs. Becoming addicted to drugs only delays resolving the grief over the loss of your baby and creates a serious problem that might interfere with your hopes for future pregnancies.
It was suggested to me that talking to someone who had experienced a similar loss could help me. I think this is a good idea except when that someone has obviously drifted into mental illness after their miscarriage. I once tried keeping in contact with a roommate I had had while in the hospital. She had also had a miscarriage.
