Breaking Down the Balanchine Aesthetic
It has taken about 25 years to realize that I have value as a performing artist. Growing up in a culture obsessed with glamour and size is one thing. To want to dance and act in spite of this is another. When I was young it was my mother pushing me to do the "grapefruit diet" among many other crash diets, and be a size 5 so I looked good in my leotard. I was "tugboat Annie", the largest in my dance class. I was a freshman in high school; I was a size 9. What I did with this experience was turn inward and not allow myself to express what I was driven to create through drama and dance.
When I look back at all of the milestones I passed, such as getting my MA in theatre, I should be proud. However, I see things more in terms of the opportunities that passed me by. Why after 25 years of dance experience I still continue to take beginning classes is beyond me. Some of it I attribute to my own fears, some of it I attribute to those feelings of inadequacy not based lack of skill. As a performer, allowing myself to be subject to this negativity has caused me to not celebrate the skills I do have and has caused a level of self criticism that is destructive. There have been many times when I have performed, either in a dance concert or in a play, and I ran into the wings in tears because I hated myself so much on stage. I felt inadequate next to everyone else. I felt inadequate because they looked better in my eyes and in the eyes of society. It did not matter that maybe I had the same number of years of experience or that I might even have been a better performer in some cases. Because of this I judged myself every second of the way, not allowing myself to be fully present in the dance or dramatic moment. As a performing artist, it is necessary to live and revel in this moment, separate from a self imposed judgmental vision.
I learned that I had to overcome this in order to be able to believe in myself and the art I was helping to create. One of the first experiences as a performer that set me on the path toward new self discovery was participating in a dance company called Sixth Position Dance Collective. In this group, I was offered many great opportunities because of my dance abilities. One of the main goals of the dance collective was to bring together dancers of different size and technical skill level and to encourage them to experience the joy of dance. Though it was hard and many tears were shed, I learned some valuable lessons. I learned that if I went out there and gave it all I got, it didn't matter that I do not have the perfect dancer’s body. It didn't matter that my legs weren't as long as the next girl’s. Though I am still learning to apply this level of confidence, I feel better than ever before. The experience in the dance company allowed me to take greater steps in performing and achieve some goals that I thought would always remain dreams.
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