The Secret Life

Children of alcoholics live a secret life. Often these children put on a brave front, giving the illusion that everything is all right in their world. Behind closed doors there is an entirely different life, kept hidden from friends and family. It is not unusual for a child of an alcoholic to lie for the parent, or make up excuses to explain the parent's absence from school gatherings, teacher's conferences, or recitals.

Friends of the child may begin to wonder why they are never invited over to the home of the COA (child of an alcoholic). They may question why the COA never goes on slumber parties or attends many school functions. The child becomes very skillful at fabricating stories to cover up the secret they hold protectively inside.

There may be many reasons why the child keeps the secret from peering eyes. How do you explain your mother sprawled on the living room floor in her nightgown in the middle of the day? What excuse can you make for the father who comes stumbling down the hallway ranting and raving? The child fears losing the few friends he or she may have. If their friend's parents found out just what went on behind closed doors, it may well prove to be the end of the friendship.

Roles

Children may react differently in the family system depending on their birth order. The oldest child may have more understanding of what is going on therefore takes on the role of the parent. This child may tend to mother the parent along with the other siblings to keep some order in the home. More often this is the child who enforces the keeper of the secret. The middle or second child may sometime take the brunt of the abuse, while the youngest tends to get lost in the shuffle and suffer the most. Siblings often form an unspoken pact to keep their secret because of either fear or embarrassment; thus starting a lifelong habit of covering up their feelings.

Signs of a problem

Teachers may notice frequent absences in the student, low grades, and trouble concentrating as well as withdrawal from class participation. If questioned by the teacher or adult figure as to the problem, the child may deny anything is wrong. A child of an alcoholic becomes an expert at denial.

Family members may see the child as distant and serious at times. One child may act out, be the clown of the family to soften the intense tension that is in the home. Some children turn to alcohol themselves or drugs to numb the feelings that have no place to go, become delinquent in school, or in the neighborhood.

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