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Self Esteem

© Lynette Rees

A lot of clients suffer from a low self esteem. They undervalue themselves and their achievements, thinking that other people are better/cleverer/more intelligent than they are.

So how do we define self esteem?

People who have a high self esteem having the following characteristics:

• Are in control of their lives

• They are calm and relaxed

• Know they are able to overcome life's obstacles

• Purposeful in outlook

• Are driven

• Feel positive

• Can assert themselves if need be

• Take care of their health and appearance

• Don't indulge in self destructive habits like eating or drinking too much

• Have a high degree of self worth, they value themselves

• Are not afraid to say NO!

• Are self developing

• Stand up for their rights and the rights of others

You will know when you are in the company of someone who has a high self esteem because of the positivity and confidence they generate. They are forward thinking people, who will inspire you. Having a high self esteem does not mean having a big ego, it means appreciating and valuing oneself and achievements.

So why do some people have a lower esteem than others?

In most cases it can be traced back to childhood:

• The child who has not had his/her needs adequately met. Their siblings may have been treated better than they were.

• Being put down and/or bullied

• Being physically and/or sexually abused

• Having to 'wear a mask' as they are afraid of revealing their true self, they feel if they do this they will not be liked.

• Being bullied

• Being compared unfavourably to others

• Not being given adequate boundaries. Parents being over protective or not protective enough.

• Being labelled e.g "Girls aren't as good as boys."

• Being made to undertake unsuitable activities e.g piano lessons, when it's something the child does not desire.

Self esteem can be lowered in adult life too by:

• Loss of a job

• Long periods of unemployment

• Not being shown love and respect

• Being taken for granted

• Having needs ignored

• Opinions being discounted

• Being verbally/emotionally/physically/sexually abused

Counselling can help clients who have a low self esteem to explore what is or has caused this and the options that are available.

Cognitive counselling can help a client to take note of what their irrational/negative beliefs are. To challenge and confront them, changing their thoughts to more positive ones.

Psychodynamic counselling may help a client to look into their past, and what is causing them to feel the way they do today. There may be a pattern or theme emerging for example, the theme may be one of always being second best. The client could have come second as a child to their sibling, always being in their brother or sister's shadow, in later life they may have come second to their husband's work or hobby. Sometimes this realisation is all that is needed to spur a client on to take action by undertaking a self development or confidence building course for example, to improve themselves.

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