The Ghouls In My Garden


Here's what I've seen lately. I sure hope yours are not so spooky.

This is the rose that gored me so hard in the head that I dropped my coffee cup. I had to pluck the thorn right out of my scalp, it was in so far that it stood up all on its own. That sticker was playing for keeps! This is why I never grow roses, well, hardly ever. Just a few, maybe a dozen or two. Let this be a warning to ye, it really is dangerous out there and they really are out to get you! No wonder I have nightmares.

This is the tree that smacks me hard in the face every time I walk by. Someday I will cut it back by dark of night. No, really, I will. I have a BIG saw and I'm NOT afraid to use it.

This is the monster hops vine that refuses to die. I keep yanking it out by the roots, digging and chopping and hacking it to bits and pieces with sharp tools, attempting total disruption and annihilation. I have even sprayed it with glyphosate. Three years later, one good rain and back it comes.

This is the sneakiest weed in my garden. I pull it out by the roots, track the runners hither and yon and put them all in the trash headed for the big bad landfill. It's the Energizer Bunny of weed-dom. I think it belongs right back in the place it came from, the place called H-E-double hockey sticks.

This is the other little Jeckyl and Hyde of a pernicious weed that keeps coming back like the ghost of Christmas past. Cute, but it just won't go away! Yank, rip, tearing and gnashing of teeth. I've had enough, I tell you!

The other most hated weed, nut grass. An unspeakable horror. You can't see it right now, it's underground, lurking in nut-form, waiting and biding its time. I may be forced to resort to a secret weapon, The Sieve. Or maybe a Flame Thrower.

Circumstantial critter evidence number one. Missing hosta. One, two or three culprits here, take your pick: deer, woodchuck, or the ever popular slug. (Bunnies hold out for the lilies. Voles take out the roots. Earwigs do cleanup patrol, chipmunks run interference.)

Critter evidence, the second. Bulb? What bulb? Obviously there is a simple hole here. Just because I planted three hundred crocus doesn't mean I

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