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Surreal Shopping at the Mall

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I remember a time, not so long ago, when shopping at the mall was a fun and exciting experience. Ok, so maybe I didn't have a whole lot else going on at that time in my life. But still, I remember when it was cool to spend a day walking around the mall with a couple of friends, just browsing for new clothes, shoes, and music at a leisurely pace. For some reason, the greasy treats and sickly sweet Cinnabons at the food court tasted better than regular fast food. And since my friends and I were all heterosexual teenage boys, we spent the bulk of our mall time scoping out girls. It's an established scientific fact that basic teenage instinct leads boys and girls alike to the mall, regardless of any desire to shop. Our hormones lead us to the mall not to shop, but in hopes of chance encounters that might precipitate an actual date. Still, most of the time, we just ended up shopping. The best excursions were the ones that included the awesome exhilaration of having my parents' credit card in my pocket, complete with permission to purchase some needed clothing item or other. The mall quivered before the might of my spending power on those triumphant days.

How things have changed...Shopping isn't fun for me anymore--in fact, it's rather tortuous. A trip to the mall is a necessary and annoyingly time-consuming chore, to be undertaken only when it's absolutely unavoidable. Only, for example, when it's ninety degrees outside and I don't own a single pair of publicly wearable shorts.

I feel like Grampa Simpson when I go to the mall these days. I'm surrounded by loud, obnoxious, strangely dressed punk teenagers. The kids conversate loudly about stupid crap as they shuffle through the aisles of overpriced clothing in whichever department store I'm browsing. A store employee keeps her eye on the two teens at all times. Meanwhile, I look at all the ridiculous, fifty-dollar scraps of fabric that are supposed to be shorts, and grumble to myself. Clothes are cost so much these days. Why do I have such expensive taste in clothing? Oh my God, I sound like my mother! But I really can't afford to pay fifty dollars for shorts, even if I did like any of them. And what is this shiny, metallic, bluish material? These are supposed to be jean shorts? What do we have here? Ah, it's the illustrious Sean Jean section! Let's see what the guy (I refuse to call him an artist) formerly known as Puff Daddy has to offer in the way of fashion. Ok then--nothing I would ever wear, even if I was interested in spending $85 on ugly clothing for some strange reason. Luckily for me, the only pair of shorts in the store that I like, I can also afford to pay for. Of course, I'm paying with my handy American Excess card. Never leave home without it!