A letter to God

As many of you probably know, my daughter was born with a relatively mild form of congenital heart disease, which accounts for my great interest in this topic. I will not discuss her story at length right now; you can read all about Morgan-Faith's birth in my first article, if you so choose. When her problems were first diagnosed (she had two holes in her heart and an open ductus that should have closed shortly after birth), it felt as though the whole world had come crashing down at my feet. I cannot even begin to describe the sickening feeling that rushed through my entire body as the doctor spoke those few, dreaded words: "your daughter has a heart problem..."

Everything else was a blur. At that point, I was scarcely listening to the neonatologist speak. It is as though my mind got stuck, incredulous and disbelieving, on that one, horrid phrase.

"BIRTH-DEFECT!!" I remember thinking, frozen with shock and rapidly surging fear.

"My beautiful, perfect baby has a BIRTH-DEFECT!!"

I was terrified. Just as the initial anxiety that accompanied our daughter's prematurity was beginning to subside (she popped out a month too soon), a new, and much more threatening problem forced its way onto the scene.

I was plagued with guilt. I immediately began to suspect that her condition was related to something I had, or had neglected to do, over the course of this unexpected pregnancy. Was I too anxious? Under too much stress? Did those few beers I had before knowing I was pregnant cause this problem? Reassurances from her cardiologist did little to appease my conscience.

I was angry and indignant. I could not believe that God would allow such a horrible thing to happen to MY baby! Just who did He think He was, anyway?

This last statement brings me to the crux of this article. God always has a perfect plan. It just takes us awhile to figure it out sometimes. This is my letter to Him.

Dear God,

I cannot even begin to thank-You enough for the blessing and priviledge You have bestowed upon me in the guise of this little girl. She is my ray of light, my precious sunshine, my reason for life. Forgive all of the doubts I have had, regarding her conception, my ability as a parent, and with respect to the perfection of Your wisdom, which I so often try to "replace" with my own. Forgive my lack of faith. I have doubted You so much, but You are always there...ever-present even when You seem so very far away. Thank-you for the grace I do not deserve.

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