Home » Politics & Society » Cold War » Cold War Headlines That Never Were

Cold War Headlines That Never Were

© Dane Mitchell Donato

The strangeness that is inherent in the Cold War period has brought us some highly peculiar situations and occurrences. One look at Lenin's mummified corpse (of which I've written before), perpetually displayed in Red Square, and you will understand what I mean. Truth is far stranger than fiction can ever be, as anyone who has been around the block a few times will readily understand.

So, in the spirit of the times, I present to you some news clippings that, while strictly of my own invention, abide by the axiom that states that if it ain't true, it should be.

Hitler's Head Discovered in South America

Tupiza, Bolivia - In a stunning revelation, a rumor that surfaced in late 1948 has been confirmed by Dr. Helmut Scholl, head of the University of Bolivia's Central Medical School.

"Yes, it is true," Dr. Scholl announced in a press conference last Thursday. "Hitler's head, miraculously saved by brave and patriotic German citizens, is now cryogenically frozen, and will one day be used to clone our late leader. When cloning technology becomes viable, of course. That is the caveat, gentlemen!"

When asked about the core ethics of trying to resurrect the very essence of evil that Adolf Hitler represents to a world still rebuilding from years of total war, Dr. Scholl just laughed. "You know what they say about the victors writing the history books, ya? Well, we are planning quite a revision to the textbooks. And before I forget, this procedure will be very useful in pediatric medicine developmental initiatives, as well."

Clearly angered by the reporters' incessant queries about the late German dictator's unenviable track record of human rights abuses, Dr. Scholl added that "Well, okay, Hitler might have had some issues. But he gave us the VW and the autobahn, after all. And he was a vegetarian. That must count for something. Oh yes, I want to thank the Odessa organization for all the hard work they've done. Kudos."

Kennedy's Corpse to Be Put on Display on Mall

Washington, DC - To a nation still reeling from the loss of our great former president, the balm of healing has just been assisted by President Lyndon Johnson's efforts to mummify JFK and place him in perpetual state in a glass casket shrine near the Lincoln Memorial for all Americans to visit and reflect upon.

Heading the task force charged with implementing the United State's greatest, and most difficult, embalming job ever is Undersecretary of Commerce, the honorable Jim Woods. "You ask me why we are doing this, and my answer is not because it is easy, but because it is hard. If the Russians can do it, so can we."

The copyright of the article Cold War Headlines That Never Were in Cold War is owned by . Permission to republish Cold War Headlines That Never Were in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.