As Planned

Imagine having your whole life planned out before you, choosing your every move and controlling your own destiny not falling prey to circumstance or coincidence. Marrying young to begin a family. Having your children and keeping them home with you until they are old enough to attend school. Spending your time pursuing your own interests and filling your heart with satisfaction over the days work now finished. Preparing for your first day returning to the workforce after leaving your youngest child at school for the first time. Within a very short time you are back in the game, almost better than when you left. Your experiences at home have made you a better employee and you are being rewarded for your efforts. You've done everything on your own timetable and have the satisfaction of knowing that you chose to be where you are and you actually enjoy it. Then, one day you notice that you're losing stamina and you don't seem to sleep as well as you once did. There are no babies at home so it can't be the late night feedings and linen changes. You ignore it for a while until it relents, and lets you no more. Anticipating your return to life as usual, you make the appointment. Though it seems all will be fine you soon realize what you've been told. It's not the cold or the flu you were sure would pass. It's not even exhaustion you tried to make yourself believe that somehow it could be. The pain you feel inside is not from a broken heart, but somewhere else. It doesn't seem to ever really go away. The diagnosis is not something you were prepared to hear. "Fibromyalgia", your doctor says to you. Confused you ask for a repeat of what has just been said, the same word comes from your doctors lips as before. So how long will it last? When can I be better? These are the questions you need answers for and never hear. Then the script from your life reads "Exit stage left: Your life, all that you have worked for, all that you had planned, everything you controlled." Your grasp on reality, all that you believed to be true is released. "How do you deal with something like this? How do you get through it? What is there left for me after this?" you might ask yourself, sobbing into your pillow the first night. Maybe you never really accept it but it seems that you do so you begin to think bigger than your disease.

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