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Childfree Marriages

© Cara Swann

Many times the childfree are asked why we marry, if not planning on having children. This seems to be more telling about the person asking the question than the childfree individual. We marry for good reasons: love, companionship, sharing and caring with another person in an intimate relationship. We want the commitment, the same as most of those who marry. Just because we choose not to bring a child into our lives doesn't mean that we cherish marriage any less.

In fact, some studies indicate that childfree couples have more stable and happier marriages than the childed. According to a study by sociologist Mary Benin of Arizona State University, Tempe, who tracked 6,785 spouses over time, most marriages with children become less happy when the first baby is born, and don't resume the same level of happiness till children are over eighteen. Also, the turbulent teen years can bring much stress and further complicate a marriage. However, another study indicated that the highest incidence of divorce occurs after the birth of the first child; and having a baby rarely stabilizes a shaky marriage. But Benin concluded that, "Childless spouses are as happy as couples are before babies arrive. Without the buffeting cycles of child rearing, they tend to stabilize at this high level over time."

I believe most childfree couples know this. We know that having a mate is a wonderful experience -- and sometimes we feel that having a child would not enhance our relationship in any way that we need or want. We have more time for each other, as well as other personal interests/activities. Our intimate relationship is never subjected to the invasion of children; we aren't interrupted at what would be awkward moments if children were making demands on us. Additionally, we truly are "significant others" in that our mate is perhaps the person we feel closest to, not a child.

There are other important issues involved in parenting that can sometimes bring resentment into a marriage. For example, one woman commented, "When I got pregnant, I became maternal, and my husband couldn't see me as sexually appealing anymore. After the baby came, his needs were usually second to the needs of the baby. We decided to have children, they were no accidents, and sometimes I feel that he wishes we had never had them at all. Raising kids is tougher than he thought it was going to be and he doesn't get the rewards that I do from it." Or how about a woman who has always believed in equality for partners in a marriage and then finds her husband reverts to the past century's gender roles, expecting her to do most of the baby-related chores? A new mother commented on this problem, "I can't count how many women I know, including myself, who experienced the way this shatteringly unexpected metamorphosis can destroy a previously viable marriage, damaging trust and respect for your husband in ways that are almost impossible to repair."