Dealing With Family Gatherings

You know the drill: You're at a big family gathering, relatives are catching up on all their latest news - and, yes, those who have recently had babies are usually being congratulated. Suddenly someone turns to you and asks bluntly, "So when are you going to have children?" Note, they ask when not if.

If you're fortunate, the question comes from some distant, obnoxious cousin you never much liked anyway. Assuming you've made your parents (and possibly in-laws) aware of your choice to remain childfree and they are understanding, perhaps this is as bad as it gets. And you can always ignore the cousin, or simply smile and offer no comment. On the other hand, if your own family (or in-laws) are not understanding, family gatherings can become something akin to a long day in purgatory.

I suppose that some of us know from an early age we don't want children. I can remember making comments to my family as early as age thirteen, saying I'd never have children. Of course, they all thought I'd change my mind. However, when one insists on this through the teen and young adult years, your family begins to accept it - even if grudgingly. If you aren't the only child, then your parents might look to other siblings to provide grandchildren. If you are the only child, then at least your parents have been warned - if you declare yourself at a young age.

I can't recall that my family ever tried to convince me to have a child. I believe they more or less just accepted it. Of course, in many ways I was a substitute parent for them anyway, and this may have worked to my advantage in that they wanted my time and attention, and if I'd had a child, it would have curtailed my efforts on their behalf. For those whose parents badger them about having a child, it must be difficult. In fact, I think from some of the remarks I've heard from these childfree individuals, they gradually shorten their visits, or withdraw completely. This is unfortunate - mainly because the parents should not expect their offspring to reproduce, instead respecting their decision.

I can also relate to the feeling of alienation that comes from family who do not accept the decision to remain childfree. My in-laws seemed to never understand or accept that my husband and I were not going to have children. Family gatherings became increasingly difficult and frustrating - at least several relatives would always bring up the issue. There were always groups of women chatting about babies, and I was pointedly ignored. I would like to say I dealt graciously with that, but I didn't - for I often felt ostracized and became hostile. Eventually I began to avoid gatherings, and over the years, withdrew. Another unfortunate situation, for it would have taken such little effort for my in-laws to have been understanding and even supportive - especially considering the fact they already had other grandchildren.

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