Been There, Done That

Often it seems as if most parents assume that all childfree individuals are unable to understand the joys and rewards, as well as the occasional sorrows and frustrations, of parenting. But for some of us, we do have similar experiences to parenting, albeit in an unusual fashion.

Asking a group of childfree adults about their sibling status will bring out comments like, "As the eldest, taking care of my siblings made me realize early on that children interfere with one's own time and interests, and that I didn't want to spend my whole life that way." Or, "I don't have to touch that particular hot stove to know it burns."

Some indications are that eldest children make up a majority of childfree adults, and I fall into that category. I am the eldest of four children, and though this did influence my decision not to have children, it wasn't the only reason. However, I know of other childfree people who say it was the major reason they decided against having children.

As the eldest, often we are expected to help with our younger siblings - for whatever reasons the parents might decide. In my case, I come from a dysfunctional family in which my mother and father had problems that prevented them being fully responsible, functional parents. As the eldest, I often found myself caring for my younger siblings in ways that parents usually do. For example, two of my sisters are ten years younger than myself; my other sister is four years younger. From my earliest memories, myself and my oldest sister always felt responsible for the younger two.

I remember the great joy our family felt when, after ten years, my mother gave birth to one of my sisters. She was a beautiful baby, and myself and my oldest sister would beg to hold her. Later, we'd eagerly come home from school, and enjoy the baby, watching her willingly. Within a year, we had another baby in the family, and once again rejoiced. However, in time, it seemed I was expected to take care of my youngest sisters almost constantly.

I can clearly recall some harrowing memories of substitute parenting for my youngest two sisters' early childhood - such as a time when one was only a toddler and wandered into the nearby street. I had only taken my eyes off her for a second, but when I looked back, she was standing at the edge of the street, and there was a car approaching. I remember that feeling of my 'heart-in-my-throat' as I debated whether to scream out for her (which might send her out into the street) or to make a dash for her, and grab her from behind. Fortunately she didn't make a move, and the car passed uneventfully. There were other incidents that hammered this message of constant vigilance over young children into my mind.

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