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There is No Such Thing as Too Attached

© Dena Standley

I heard it so many times as a foster parent that I wanted to scream. It was always said by a well-meaning friend or acquaintance, " I don't know how you do it, I would get too attached." I don't think anyone ever considered the implications of that phrase. Did they think I was not attached? Would they somehow love children that came to their home more than I loved those in mine?

For those people who haven't fostered children the dynamics are sometimes hard to understand. Even for those that have fostered you learn fast that every situation is different. Some children come to your home and within a few days they have become an intricate part of your family. With other children the bonds form much more slowly. Often these children are angry and distrustful. No matter how much you understand the things that have made them that way it can still be hard to live with on a day to day basis. Progress can come slowly or sometimes not at all. I had a child in my home for over a year and her problems seemed just as severe the day she left as they were the day she arrived. Our grief when she left our home was not for a bond that was broken but one that never formed.

Being a foster parent can be heartbreaking. There were times when I felt overwhelmed by the enormity of what these children had been through. I sometimes felt like my love was a band-aid on a massive wound. There were other times though. The first time an angry and confused toddler snuggled in my lap or when we had the opportunity to watch a young girl with no self-esteem flourish into a lovely and confident young woman in our home.

We have had five different children in our home at different times. We have adopted one of them. The other four have returned home to their birth families, have gone to live with relatives or went to a new foster placement where they could be reunited with siblings. We grieved for each child that left our home. The left behind a hole in our family, but they also left so much more. They left us with the lessons they taught us about love, patience, trust and what it really means to have courage.

So the next time someone says to me that they couldn't do it because they would become "too attached," I will just smile and be grateful for those attachments that caused us pain, but also brought so much love and joy into our lives.

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