When Caregivers are TOO Good

Can child care be too good? We all want the best caregiver we can find for our toddlers (and infants, and preschoolers); someone who is loving, responsive, attentive. Someone who dotes on our child, and whom our child dotes on in return. Someone who is as much like a parent as possible, so our child won't miss us so much when we are not there.

Or do we?

Of course we do. But if we've chosen a really good caregiver, and our child has become attached to her--possibly, very attached--we are bound to feel some rivalry and resentment. It is only natural to wonder, as another person takes our child into her arms each morning, whether she's also taking our place in your child's heart. Sure, we want our child to be happy during the day, but sometimes it hurts to see him or her THAT happy. Sure, you want your child to separate easily from you when you leave for work, but it threatens the parental ego when separation is TOO easy.

There's liable to be competition, too, and from both sides. As parents, we'd like to think that no one can calm, occupy, feed, and amuse our children as well as we can. But it's a child-care provider's job to try--she is paid to focus her attention on the children in her care. When parents see the provider has been doing her job well, it's comforting and yet, at the same time, it can be disturbing.

Such feelings are normal--and many parents experience them. But while other people can do a good job of caring for someone elses' child--and, hopefully, will continue to, as needed, throughout the growing-up years--no one can take a parent's place. Care providers may come and go, and they often do, but you and me and the other moms and dads, are here for the long haul--and kids, no matter how young, someone know it. A child's relationship with their parent(s) may be more complicated and and often conflicted, but this intensity makes it all the more meaningful.

When children show affection toward their caregivers, it should be taken as a sign that the parent has made a good choice. If a child is so engrossed in play with the caregiver that the parent is practically invisible when he or she walks through the door at the end of the day, this is a terrific sign that the situation is working. If a child seems well behaved for the caregiver all day long, saving up the tantrums and outbursts for the parents, most likely he or she feels secure enough in a parent's love to misbehave in their presence.

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