Talking to Children When Bad Things Happen

All of us have been touched by the devastating events of September 11. No matter where you are in the world, chances are you have a story that connects you personally to someone who was there. There have been a handful of televised segments regarding how to talk to your children when things like this happen; in fact, what prompted me to write this article was not the tragedy itself, but the advice I was hearing.

I think one of the most important factors we, as teachers and parents, are facing is our own fear and anxiety and uncertainty. This puts us in quite a tough spot, because on the one hand we want to protect our children from violence, but on the other hand we want to be realistic and honest. How can we do both?

A child psychiatrist appeared on one of the network shows the week following the disaster, and I was disturbed by part of what he said. He said that we must make our children feel safe, secure, and loved (I agree with this wholeheartedly, but this should be a constant in our lives with our children); but then he went on to say that we should "assure them that they are safe and this will never happen again". I have a big concern with making promises over things and events we as individuals have no control over; I believe it is very disrespectful to ourselves and our children, and could lead to a lack of trust. Furthermore, considering the global proportions of terrorism, it is really very likely that we will see more sad things happen. I'd like to hope and pray we don't, but let's be realistic. These things have been happening for a long time, and there have been at least 32 acts of terrorism in our country in the last 2 decades alone (according to MSCNN), and it is not going to suddenly go away.

Granted, I am not a child psychiatrist, but I fail to see the reason in promising a child, or anyone, that "this will never happen again". Of course it is tempting to want to soothe your child (and yourself) with such promises, but it is so risky. I have found that, as with any other aspects of life, simple and honest is the best way. Give only as much as a child is asking for, and no more. A statement that has worked well for me is something like "Susie, I know the world is scary sometimes, and there are some people that do bad things, but most people are good. My most important job is to keep you safe." If the event was far away, I think it is okay to say something like "what happened was scary, but it was very far away from here", and if it was close by, I suggest focusing on your job of keeping them safe. It is okay to show your own fears, as long as you are under control. War is scary, and no one ever really wins, and there is no use pretending that everything is perfectly fine and hunky-dory. However, if you are hysterical, it is best to calm yourself down before seeing your kids. I think it is fine to say things like "I get scared too sometimes, but I know that there are lots of big important people in the world protecting all of us". Personally, as a teacher, I would stay away from concepts such as God, although some children may want and need a comfort such as that.

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