"Toughen up! It's over with."
Many adult child sexual abuse survivors feel different than those who have never been sexually abused, and rightly so. We are different. We didn't have the idyllic childhood that many had. We didn't have adults who we could turn to when we were hurt or afraid. We didn't have mothers or fathers who put our safety and happiness above their own.
Ours was a childhood filled with trauma and fear. It was a childhood in which we felt trapped in a prison of neglect and constant tension. We were hyper-alert beings, watching for shadows, listening for footsteps, sniffing the air for a certain fragrance, waiting for the open hand or fist to connect to our bare skin in a flurry of searing pain.
For many survivors, even our sleep was disturbed by sexual violence and abuse. Our bedrooms, instead of being a sanctuary, were traps where we were the prey. We were forced to find ways to survive. Trusting anyone, was a dangerous gamble that we learned to avoid.
In school, we feared that others would discover our shameful secrets. We were shy and withdrawn, depressed, or suicidal. Some were over achievers, trying to show our parents that we were good, in spite of the fact that we were ashamed, and felt dirty, bad and guilty.
I will soon turn 56, and I still have problems directly related to what happened to me as a child. They are not as pronounced as they were when I was in my twenties, but they are still there, beneath the armor that has built up over the years. Yes, I said armor. Survivors are a tough breed, but we are a sensitive breed too. Sensitive to unsympathetic comments like the ones above. Sensitive to thoughtless jokes and uncaring attitudes about child sexual abuse.
We live with the consequences of what was done to us, every day. Memories can not be erased. Feelings and emotions are deep-seated. We are still vulnerable to triggers. Healing is an on-going process that for some, takes a life time.
So unless you have been where we have been, unless you have known our horrors, unless you have suffered the way we have suffered, please, do not tell us to, "deal with it, toughen up, or forget about it."
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