Building the Core- Empathy

My husband walked to the car carrying my obviously upset four year old. I knew they had been having a "moment." Kasey was clearly unhappy with her Daddy and the scowl on his face suggested he was not having the happiest time either. As they got in the car Kasey was crying over the fact that she was no longer being allowed to rent the movie she so wanted. I asked her Daddy what had happened? He proceeded to describe the moment in the loo where he had asked her to leave the door closed while they were inside and she continued to disobey, ultimately causing tremendous embarrassment on his behalf. Once again my sweet Kasey found herself in trouble due to her exuberance and enthusiasm. I wondered how I was going to help her make the necessary connections that would guide her behavior. I soon realized this was a classic teaching moment for the critical skill of empathy, a skill experts say is the most critical needed if a strong sense of character and morals is to develop. I told Kasey to "talk" to her daddy about what happened and how sad she was about not going to the video store. She looked at me and said, "I don't know how to talk to Daddy." I knew this would be a valuable moment for all of us. She began to describe how sad she felt and how sorry she felt, but she truly started to understand what she had done when we started to discuss how she made her daddy "feel." Obviously NOT something she had considered. She began to understand that we were not being mean or punishing her because she disobeyed us. There was a true meaning to the fact she had hurt her daddy's feelings and that was not ok. Suddenly, she wasn't mad and she wasn't thinking of herself anymore. She honestly felt bad about what she had done, she understood fully the IMPACT of her behavior and thus had taken a big step to developing empathy. Children have been hurting each other for decades without stopping to think about the impact they have on others. Kids are killing people today and saying to other kids, "if you don't think about it, you won't be sad." According to expert Dr. Michele Borba, author of the upcoming book Building Moral Intelligence, The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, Jossey-Bass 2001, empathy is the most critical skill, needed to halt violence and cruelty and urge us to treat others with kindness. It develops naturally, however according to Dr. Borba, there are five factors that are particularly destructive and can reduce empathy.

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