Travel Certainties and Life Lessons: Air Travel's Lighter Side

10. Screaming babies are to airplanes what lint is to black trousers.

11. In addition to flotation and safety devices, each airplane is factory-equipped with five obnoxious drunks, four "get-a-room" couples, three purple-haired, head-banging teenagers, and a minimum of three anal-retentive, anorexic flight attendants that are just a little too aggressive with their beverage carts.

12. A tray-table is neither a tray nor a table. Plan accordingly.

13. Overhead compartments should only be opened by trained professionals.

14. As soon as you stand up, the fasten seatbelt sign will come on.

15. The number of obnoxious drunks and crying babies on your flight is directly related to the number of years you will have aged by the time you arrive at your destination.

16. Believe your seatmate when s/he says, "I think I'm going to be sick."

17. The armrests on both sides of you belong to your seatmates.

18. In-flight meal is an oxymoron.

19. Your shoulder has its own gravitational pull that will slowly suck down your neighbor's head. Here you realize another lesson - many people drool in their sleep.

20. When the pilot points out the "interesting landmarks we're passing over at this time," there's actually nothing down there. It's just a ploy to get you to look out the window while the drink cart is wheeled into the cockpit.

21. Although they may look similar, an oxygen mask will NOT substitute for a breast pump.

22. The number of frequent flier miles you've accumulated is directly related to the number of times you've muttered to yourself, "Oh God, Oh God, please don't sit next to me! . . . Damn!"

23. The second you start to doze off, the pilot will loudly point out another "interesting landmark." Again, it's a ploy - watch for the drink cart.

24. Turbulence only happens when you're drinking hot coffee.

25. The restroom "in use" sign could mean any number of things. Approach with caution.

26. As a general rule, if you ignore them, they will persist.

27. "Flight attendants, prepare for landing and crosscheck" is code for, "We're going down, pull out your cross and pray."

28. Once you arrive at your destination, don't hurry to baggage claim. This is simply where they CLAIM your bags will be.

29. When a customs official requests a body cavity search, it has nothing to do with dental work.

30. Finally, if you've actually spotted your luggage amidst the whirling parcels, don't wait. Shamelessly launch yourself over the crowd, snatch the bag,

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