"It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end." Ursula K. LeGuin
Air travel is simply a journey that takes you from one place to another. However, through my endless business trips and family vacations, I have learned that this journey also has several certainties and valuable lessons that, once learned, can take the unexpected out of the experience. This week's article offers a break from the norm, a look at the lighter side of travel, and the following travel lessons.
1. You'll save a lot of time and embarrassment if you tip over your wheeled suitcase as soon as you enter the airport. This way you can simply drag it through the airport on its side, and you'll avoid the embarrassment of the initial side-flop and multiple after-flops.
2. Your gate will always be the farthest from the check-in counter, and you'll invariably break a high heel or sprain an ankle as you run down the moving sidewalk. Incidentally, two overweight, stogie-smoking, ex-cab drivers from New Jersey actually live on those moving sidewalks, and you'll need to break through their blockade on the way - so wear that jacket with shoulder pads.
3. All suitcases will burst open in front of hundreds of other travelers at some time or another - so pack the duct tape for easy repairs.
4. If you beep as you walk through the metal detector arches, immediately glance at the guard holding the wand. If s/he suddenly begins to grin wildly, run! For the love of god, run!
5. It IS possible to contract fleas from the airport carpet.
6. Seinfeld's Kramer has been cloned at least 500 times. These Kramers all hang out in airports and harmlessly follow you around until it's time to board. Then, they get on your plane, sit next to you, and warily watch you the entire flight.
7. Once on the plane, never stick your head in the aisle during beverage service. Enough said.
8. The normal person's legs are two feet too long, his/her hips are four inches too wide, and his/her derriere simply doesn't have enough padding to endure a "comfortable wide-bodied plane ride"; in addition, DC-10 actually stands for discomfort and claustrophobia to the tenth. I suggest a few lessons from a contortionist prior to air travel.
9. "Please place your seat-back in an upright position," actually means, "Please lean forward until your nose is 6" from the greasy head in front of you."
