You Know You're a Redneck Gardener When...

So says Mike Benton, author of White Trash Gardening." Benton, who describeds himself as a "sixth-grade graduate and fifth generation white trash," lives outside Bottoms, Arkansas in -- you guessed it -- a trailer. He says he wrote his book (Taylor Publishing, 160 pages, oversized paperback, $14.95) to share his gardening experiences with folks who are looking for a better way to relate to Ma Nature while keeping your weekends open for serious relaxation. He promises, "Even is you can't grow corns on your feet, you can still garden white trash-style."

I think his book is funny, but, personally, I have a problem with the name of Benton's book. Thanks to comedian Jeff Foxworthy, I've substituted the term "redneck" in the following references. Other examples Benton offers include -- You know you're a redneck gardener if you:

-- Plant shrubs where your dog's already done the digging.

-- Have a plywood cutout of a fat lady in bloomers bending over your flower bed.

-- Compost disposable diapers.

-- Mow your lawn only on your anniversary.

Seriously, though, there are some real-life shortcuts when it comes to lazy gardening. And you don't have to be a redneck to try them. For instance, you can save time, effort -- not to mention your aching back -- and end up with thriving plants if you thoroughly prepare your soil before planting. Has your trowel ever bent in your hands as you tried to dig in rock-hard soil?

Prepare your soil beforehand by rototilling or hand-digging with a shovel. Add soil amendments ranging from peat moss and soil conditioner to organic compost and mushroom compost. Yes, I know it doesn't sound like fun -- and certainly doesn't sound like the lazy person's way out -- but your plants/flowers/vines/trees will reward you.

If you don't feel like rototilling or digging, consider going to raised beds. In this system, all you do is pile soil amendments up until they are six to 10 inches above ground level. This assures enriched soil that is well draining. The soil even warms faster, so plants grow quicker.

The bane of any gardener's existence is weeds. To beat them, the secret is to get them while they're little. Begin cultivation as soon as the weeds appear; later when they're firmly rooted and threatening to take over the garden, eliminating them is hard work. You can also smother weeds by mulching. Spread a layer of mulch, such as compost or soil conditioner, at least two to five inches thick wherever weeds sprout.

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