Formal or Informal Practice?

But it was just luck that I received either initiation. In one case I was on pilgrimage, not sure of what would happen, in another a wonderful, wise teacher visited us, but this happens maybe once a year.

A more formal and less haphazard approach would be to find one teacher and follow his/her recommendations, to plan for a particular empowerment or initiation--first by determining within my practice the need for a specific one--then to do the preliminary work, then to take the empowerment or initiation, then to meditate upon its effects.

Sangha friends were proposing such a course of action to me just last night, and explaining the great benefits in terms of reduced obstacles, equanimity, greater clarity, greater ability to help others--a big leg up on the path.

I have several objections to such a course of action. It would mean long interruptions in work which do not seem feasible right now. It would mean a commitment to repeated ritualistic actions...be they prostrations or circumambulations or mantras or meditations... And I know how quickly I rebel, even against more everyday disciplines. "Why am I wasting my time this way when I could be doing real work that would earn me money?" "How do I know this is going to get me anyplace at all?" "For all I know, I was better off before I started all this anyway." "This is not culturally relevant for me. I am not a nun in Tibet; I am a professional, educated, year 2000, America, etc. etc." "I miss my dogs." "I miss my house." "This is costing me money."

My sangha friends explain that submitting myself to a teacher and a demanding formal practice would blast through this shell of ego and bring about humility. This brings up immediate objections in my mind: "Well, their lives aren't like mine. They have families and children. They need the contrast of a retreat. I live alone and wander the hills in silence, and so if anything, I need the opposite."

Is this infamous monkey mind, resistance, obstacle, delusion?

The only way I'd really know is by following the advice, contacting one of the teachers who has visited, making the effort to meet with that teacher more frequently, investing in industrial-strength kneepads, and opening myself to one of the more demanding practices. My friends suggested two: Nundro--that's the 100,000 prostrations--or Vajrasattva which

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