Borderline Personality Disorder, among its many presentations and or motivations remains primarily a relational disorder.
As is the case with so many things in life one can't help but wonder about the "if-only's" or the "what-if's".
The borderline lives with the reality of the "if only" I had been nurtured and had my needs met as a child maybe I wouldn't have to be in this painful and angry place right now. The "what if", for the borderline, has all to do with "what if" I was "normal" or "average". What if I was happy and felt peace and didn't have to fear being alone, abandonement, rejection and have this knawing and ceaseless pain because I am just not sure who I really am, what it is I really want or need or how to get my needs and wants fulfilled.
For the non-borderline the "if-only's" are largely about the desires of regret. If only the borderline in his/her life could have communicated their pain instead of acting it out or acting it in. If only the borderline in the life of the non-borderline who has had to end a relationship could admit that they have a problem and get treatment and stick with it the relationship might not have had to end.
The non-borderline "what if" has all to do with the question as to what his/her relationship could have been like, what could it might have been like "if only" he/she (the borderline) didn't do the damage that they did. What if we could have really gotten through that stuff and truly been there for each other consistently? What if he/she could have stayed in the here and now with me and not put me in the role of people from his/her past. "What if" the borderline could have approached our life together as win-win instead of win-lose with he/she "winning" and me "losing". This cost both of us. Both parties end up losing in any win-lose dynamic. Where might that have left our relationship and or family?
The truth about Borderline Personality Disorder is that when left untreated, or not properly treated lives are destroyed. Severe damage is done to both the borderline and to those who are in his/her life.
BPD sinks relationships as fast as rocks sink ships. There is no healthy intimacy that can set sail, let alone hope to float, on the sea of BPD.
Regrets are human. Wondering about the "if only's" and the "what if's" is equally human. Whether you are a borderline, non-borderline or a recovered borderline, like myself, what we all have in common is pain and
