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One More Abandonment Will Lead To Recovery

© A.J. Mahari

A borderline who cannot recognize or who refuses to recognize and subsequently articulate his/her intra-psychic pain is stuck. Even in a therapeutic situation or relationship there is little that can be done until the borderline develops a certain amount of self-awareness. There must be a willingness on the part of the borderline to admit and acknowledge that much of what she thinks she knows and much of her relational style is:

a) a re-enactment of past trauma b) not age-appropriate and c) further alienating him/her from self and others which then causes even more pain that is "felt" and expressed in destructive self-sabotaging ways; namely through rage, push/pull, needy-demandingness, lying, sudden cold distancing, manipulation and so forth.

Does this mean that one can never change?

For the time that one stays reticent and holds to one's cognitively-distorted beliefs it would be highly unlikely that one could then change. If one continues to perpetuate his/her "victimhood" and does not choose to take personal responsibility one will continue to live out one's past as well as visit it upon others. However, once borderlines begin to understand that there are aspects of their behaviour and relational styles that are further defeating their attempts to have their needs met -- and begin to be open to taking a look at what they are doing and how they are affecting others, change is then not only possible but it is a natural consequence of such self-examination.

How does change occur?

Change is brought about through incremental steps of increased self-awareness. The process of increasing one's self-awareness usually involves therapy, as well as reading relevant books. Also extemely important to the process of increasing self-awareness is a willingness and a determination to do what it takes to tolerate being around and with other people. (Without resorting to any "old, borderline" behaviour) It is also vital to break any pattern of isolation. This means also learning to behave in ways that make it possible for others to welcome your being around them. This change in behaviour must come first. You cannot wait to change how you feel first. How you feel will only change over time and after you have had new, different, and corrective interpersonally-relational experiences with other people.

It is the new relational experiences with others that provide the ground-work for the borderline breaking with habitual patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving which are directly related to one's past. Through learning to relate to others age-appropriately, over time, and through the processing of experiences and interpretations in therapy a borderline can then continue to change and grow.